When Jennifer, a mother of two, heard her 14-year-old daughter,

Margaret, tell a hopeful suitor over the telephone that she couldn’t

go to the movies with him because she had to study, Jennifer was only

“mildly” concerned about the “white” lie. Jennifer knew

Margaret wasn’t interested in the boy, didn’t have to study, and

was trying to avoid a potentially awkward situation. She was somewhat

relieved that Margaret chose a compassionate approach. In fact,

Jennifer went so far as to hand Margaret an approving pat on the back.

Examples of parents establishing a hazy line between lying and

telling the truth are easily found in homes across the country. And

yet according to recent studies, honesty is the number one trait

parents hope to see in their children.

These same studies revealed that 96 percent of children surveyed lie

to their parents.

Parenting experts Laura and Malcolm Gauld believe that the disparity

rests in what parents are actually paying attention to versus what

they say is most important for their children to learn. Leaders in the

field of character education and founders of The Biggest Job parenting

seminars, the Gaulds readily assert that parents are sending their

children mixed messages because they are – themselves — confused.

In a culture gripped by achievement and image, which increasingly

leans toward materialism and competition, the Gaulds explain it is

understandable that parents might fall into the pattern of reinforcing

messages that can bolster their children or diffuse a potentially

uncomfortable situation in some way, no matter what the consequences.

“It starts out innocently,” says Laura. “Children are learning

from their parents that an undetected lie, even the seemingly most

benign, can reap rewards, prevent punishment and, most importantly,

win a parent’s approval. In Jennifer’s case, the way Margaret

handled the situation with a friend could easily be construed as

harmless and possibly even helpful.”

This raises the possibility that while many parents, in theory, agree

that telling the truth is the right thing to do — that it is what

they want to teach their children — there are occasions when lying

becomes an acceptable practice.”

“We can all relate to not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings,

wanting to please someone, or exaggeration,” Malcolm explains. “We

oftentimes easily rationalize these situations away as necessary acts

of kindness or diplomacy.”

But deeper issues underlie a more serious outcome engendered by a

parent’s dismissal or excusal of deceit – whether it is their own

or their child’s. The Gaulds caution parents who become comfortable

with drawing a gray line where lying is concerned, saying children

typically won’t grow out of lying, rather they often grow into it.

Recent data suggest that children are learning at a rapid rate how to

get ahead by cheating. As they grow older, and their crimes become

more serious, so too do the consequences for getting caught.

“Dismissal from school, a tainted reputation or transcript, or a

criminal record is the converse of what parents want for their

children,” says Laura. “And while we can only hope that these

outcomes are the exception rather than the rule, they are very

possible and real consequences to a life gone unchecked for too

long.”

“What we as parents pay attention to is what we reinforce in our

families,” says Malcolm. “The fact is that many well-intentioned

parents who want to raise good, decent human beings and who believe

that having integrity is important are only paying lip service to

qualities such as honestyand they’re not kidding anyone, least of

all their kids.”

All of this dovetails with what the Gaulds coin as creating a

“character culture” in the home – or a way to combat the

ever-pervasive and sometimes subliminal seduction of the achievement

culture.

“In a character culture, achievement is valued, but principles,

such as honesty and concern for others are valued more,” says

Malcolm. “That is, what you stand for, who you are, is more

important than what you can do, or how you stack up against the

others.”

The good news, say the Gaulds, is that when parents recognize the

pressures that bear down upon them and their children, pressures that

derive from a need to be accepted, to get ahead, or keep the peace,

they can often resist the temptation to fall into self-defeating

attitudes and actions that work against the very principles and

qualities they value most and want to instill in their families.

“What many of the parents learn,” says Laura, “is that as the

family relationships shift from resting on a foundation of achievement

and image to a foundation of principles, where there is little room

for mixed messages, confusion, contradiction. The same rules apply no

matter what.”

“Parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary

classroom,” Laura continues. “It takes a high level of awareness

and fortitude to recognize the common traps we fall into and then do

something about it, and sometimes it can feel like we’re moving

against the tide. But the result is that we teach our kids the

importance of being measured by what kind of people they are and what

their true contributions will be in life.”

So, how can parents foster open dialogue and honesty in their

children and avoid sending them mixed messages?

The Gaulds offer three helpful tips:

1. Hold discussions with your children about which principles are

most important in your family. Write them down; display them on a cork

board or the refrigerator; and, most importantly, talk about them with

your children every chance you get. When issues in the family come up

(and they will come up), the principles will serve as a map and

compass. There is a definite right way and wrong way to go, and

messages are less likely to be misconstrued.

2. Model what you convey to your children. Don’t lie. And, if you

do catch yourself in a lie, don’t be afraid to talk about it with

your children. Letting them know you are human and offering them a

sincere apology for falling off-track will give them the humility to

ask for help when they need it and it will teach them that

self-learning is a lifelong process.

3. Remember you are a parent and mentor to your child — not a

friend. It is not your job to persuade, manipulate, or coax your

children into doing what you believe is right, rather guide them with

love and discipline toward their unique best. Our true test as parents

is to arm our children with the tools they will need to be independent

and productive members of their communities and to set the course for

them to live fulfilling lives.

For more information about Laura and Malcolm Gauld, their book “The

Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have,” and Hyde Schools, contact Rose

Mulligan at rmulligan@hyde.edu, call (207) 837-9441, or visit

www.greatparenting101.com or www.hyde.edu.